I would like even faster food.
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Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
my fav colour is also hitler
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name