If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE