Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids