My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
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anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Oh no
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”