I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
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them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool