I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man