Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere