[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Oceanography is all about current events
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.