People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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I would move hell over six inches for you
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.