“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
After 35, your body ages in dog years
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Breaking news:
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.