Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out