My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Merry Christmas
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”