Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
For those that worship cheese..
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
How animals would run if they were human