That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I’m not stressed
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”