Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”