“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
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Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.