Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.