my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Hey! This isn’t my car!
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me