doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Who needs an Air Fryer?