The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
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Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will