midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.