I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup