killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
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I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.