Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
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Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.