Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?