Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.