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I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.