Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
peep davidson
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Best spot.. 😅
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
LOL
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.