I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball