If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My flabber has been gasted.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
incredible text to wake up to