Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
You’ll be OK
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times