I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
You Might Also Like
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
A great tip. #CakeRex
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?