Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
early stone age tool
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.