*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
worst…sale…ever
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence