Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
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I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.