If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”