Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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Pringles
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
A ghost story
Mornin
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.