Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!