Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My neck my back my allergy attack
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*