Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation