I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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Spell check is for lasers.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
i smell a pulitzer
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…