“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.