[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”