Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Before crowbars crows drank alone
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Seas the day!!!!
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.