Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
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Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now