My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future