Good dog. ❤️
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Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
seems like a niche market
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.