I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.