ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Blew out my flip flop…
Sharon I have some bad news
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
based al yankovic
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.