Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
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*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much